Feelings are such a pain

Hello 2015!

At the end of 2013, before the new year of 2014, I actually had a post about my 2013 life filled with pictures and happy stuff. But earlier this year when I started this wordpress by importing my blogger posts, I got rid of it :P It’s just under my drafts now haha. Idk why, I just felt like it was pretty lame. So this year, I don’t have an annual round-up thing. Neither do I have a list of 2015 resolutions.

But if anyone must know, 2014 was pretty amazing for me for most part (and I think I achieved some of my resolutions for the year). For example, I made some new friends, got fitter/healthier (more active lifestyle) and graduated. Spent most of my post-grad time baking and exercising, and it was fun while it lasted, until I felt like money was dwindling and insufficient to provide for my wants >< So I job searched for about 2 months and landed myself in a job w.e.f. 29 Dec 2014 (so I’m a week into my job now; been doing nothing, but starting work proper on Monday – mixed feelings). I guess Masters studies plan will be put on hold…

Anyway, I digress.

Actually, the point of this post is really not to talk about my past year, but more of how I’ve been feeling crossing into this new year. Honestly, I’m not very excited about it; usually I am with all the  “new year, new beginnings” kinda mindset. But not this time. Perhaps it’s the entering of a new phase of my life: working life, and the new challenges I’d probably face. But besides that, I know that there are other reasons; and they are childish and immature. Nonetheless, I can never shake these feelings off me. It has always been the case for me. Just that this time, I got these feelings nearer the end of 2014, so they’ve tagged along the crossing to 2015. Hence my lack of excitement.

A part of me wants to rant about these childish feelings but, if I considered carefully, I wouldn’t. So I’m not gonna do it. And because these feelings only come about with my closest relationships, sharing them would definitely cause awkward situations (though I think I did share a little with one of my closest friends before – nothing changed between us, but that’s cos I’ve known her for ages & I think she can take it). Trust me, I really hate myself for feeling such emotions and if I had a choice I wouldn’t wanna feel them. I always tell myself that things are ok, I don’t have to feel that way. I rationalise with myself about my feelings, but they won’t go away :( I’ve even confessed to a priest about them before and he told me to pray about it and pray to be a better person; and I do that. So far I’m still the same; even when I thought that things got better at some point earlier on. Sigh, I just hope that in 2015 I can better take charge of these negative feelings that I get with my (rather) Type A personality.

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