Dreams, aspirations, expectations, reality

I’ve been thinking.

Ok, I think a lot – too much for my own good. Especially these days when I really have little to do at work.

I think about my life. Anything and everything about it; all angles covered (or so I’d like to think).

So conclusion – tl;dr version: my life is falling apart. Or perhaps a less dramatic way to put it is that, the future seems bleak and meaningless based on the way my life is going now.

(Details follow if you’re interested)

Work

If you’re a close-enough friend, you prolly know that my work sucks. I hate the work culture. I hate the people in my dept. They are all clique-ish and in their own world. They never introduced themselves properly to me and are forever buried in their own work. They never ask me out to lunch with them, even when I first joined as was a true newbie. I have a long-winded direct boss and sometimes it gets annoying. I know she means well, but sometimes it’s just too much. We have incompatible working styles (mostly, she’s too inefficient, rigid and kiasi for my liking). As a result, I do not talk or lunch with any of my colleagues unless it’s about work (the talking part). In my 5 months so far, the number of times I lunched with them can be counted with my fingers. I have intentions to quit, unless things change… maybe with the addition of my new colleague next week. If I do quit, well, then I have no idea where I’ll be next year (the near future).

Further studies

I would like to go for further studies. My job was really just a transition stage for my to buy myself more time to think of what I wanna study. My job was also to get people to stop bugging me with questions like what I intend to do in future, or what am I doing now since I have graduated. I must say, it worked. But the question on further studies is still always somewhere in my mind. It has changed a few times – the discipline of study, and I have yet to set my foot down firmly on something I really want. I don’t wanna study for the sake of the qualification, but for the sake of interest and something that would really help my in my future career. This means I need to know what I wanna do in future, which sucks, because I really don’t. As I said, my future is bleak. There’s nothing I really really want that bad that a masters would help me in I think (for now).

Baking

I enjoy baking. I baked almost weekly last year. Wanted to try to maintain that for this year and improve, even with work, but it’s not working out. People who know me would know that I intend(ed) to have a little bakery business; starting from the home business kind that so many people on instagram are doing. But looking at how my bakes are… and the number of such online businesses… an impossible dream in the near future too. Recently saw that one of my juniors just got her online business up and running, which makes me even more discouraged. I try not to be affected, but really I am. It’s like I’m never gonna be good enough. Even for something I so enjoy and really hope to be good in, it’s not working out.

Crossfit

My new found passion/interest since the beginning of last year. I consider myself to have started crossfit since Jan 2014 because for the 3 months before that, I was really not regular at all, and didn’t really put much effort in it. So.. it’s been almost 1.5 years and I feel like I’m stagnating. Especially recently when I realised that all the newbies are so strong :( And they seem to never stop improving. I can argue that it’s cos they have some sports background, like rock climbing and dragon boating (most common), but still I feel quite noob when I compare myself with them. I know I should not keep comparing with others, but sometimes it is inevitable. Nowadays, each time after a crossfit session, I would look back and think that I could have done better; like why couldn’t I clean that weight, why didn’t I run/pull-up/burpee etc. faster? Then I would tell myself to improve the next session; just push. So the next session, I would do till I really felt like dying/so tired/so shagged – or so I think I was. But I would be home all rested again and thinking back the same thing – that I could have done better; and the whole cycle repeats. I tell myself I need to practise, I need to improve. But each time after a workout, I would be too tired to do anything :/

The throwdown is coming up. I’m doing the snatches at 95#. Honestly I’m starting to feel the pressure. I’m afraid I won’t be able to snatch that weight on that day. I’m afraid of letting my team down :( Today I couldn’t even snatch 5 reps at 38.6kg (about 85#). I was so pissed at myself. And other movements like my jerk. I can’t even do something like 50kg comfortably. I’ve been in cf so long and I can’t even jerk my BW. Ok, let’s not talk about jerk. I can’t even clean my BW comfortably, I can’t even front squat like 5 reps with my BW. My squats are bad, and now my knees seem to be taking a toll so I can’t really push as hard (I feel).

Sometimes I never know if my reasons for “poor performance” are just excuses. I tend to think that they are, and it makes me feel weak mostly. Why can’t I be good/better at things I am passionate about? At things I enjoy? (same for baking)

Relationships

Includes boyf and family; and to a lesser extent, friends. Slightly more personal, so don’t think I’ll share it here. Basically revolves around themes of freedom, communication, and marriage.

Myself as a person and just other general stuff that spiral from there (can be above topics too)

I think about whether I’m a good enough friend/girlfriend/person in general. I think about my personality and character traits; stuff like my competitiveness, introversion, lack of confidence etc. I think about how I can progress in life with a personality like that, what I should change (whether I want to is another story), whether I should change. I compare my life with my peers and others around me and I see how much I’m lacking. Sometimes I see others who don’t seem to be as “good” as me doing well in their lives and I’m like whyyyy? And I wonder what I’m doing wrong. Then I think why life’s so unfair. But then again there are people who seem to be doing less well that me; and I am comforted but it’s just hard to focus on that all the time when you know there are others out there doing better and you could be doing so much better too.

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