11 more months in 2016

It’s the end of Jan. Time flies; felt like just not too long ago we were all happy new year, looking back on 2015, and setting new year resolutions.

I have shared with one or two people, right from the beginning of this year (i.e. 1 Jan), that I was not looking forward to this new year at all. I think it’s safe to say that it is the first time in my life that I did not look forward to a new year :(

New years have always been exciting for me. I love the idea of new beginnings and starting over. I love the idea of having new opportunities and chances to change or do something new. Every new year just felt so… refreshing.

But this year, I really did not want 2016 to arrive. I foresee it to be a year of uncertainties; and I hate uncertainties. I thought it won’t be a good year at all, and how my Jan went has supported that statement – Jan has not been really great at all for me.

So much has happened in this first month. There have been family/relationship drama towards the end of Jan. And before that, my best workout partner left for France in the beginning of the month, so one less friend to hang out with for half of 2016 :( Work’s been busy, and I was stressing out over postgrad app.

Why I feel like the rest of 2016 will not be great at all

(WARNING: long, rambly, and incoherent post ahead)

People who know me well enough will know how much I hate my job; how I had a sucky boss and (still, mostly) sucky colleagues. Definitely, things changes towards the end of 2015 when my sucky boss left and there was an influx of new and younger colleagues. But things still haven’t changed very much because it has already been established that no one needs to invite me out to lunch, so the newer colleagues won’t jio me either -.- I only get jio-ed when there are special lunches. Ok, I guess I can live with that. I have already accepted that, really.

But anyway, thankfully my “working partner” has also changed so I usually lunch with him*. I think because we lunch together all the time, he doesn’t get jio-ed by the other colleagues as well cos they all assume we would lunch together. And sometimes, even when I have a lunch appt, I think they won’t jio him also cos they assume he has a lunch appt? I’m not sure about the latter but I think that’s the case now. And actually I’m a bit paiseh for creating this “barrier” between him and other colleagues… like just cos he hangs out with me, they don’t jio him too – regardless whether I’m around or not ><

*Fyi: my previous “working partner” has worked in the div for really long so she’s pally with all the other colleagues and lunches with them. But she never ever jios me to go along with them IDK WHY. I may wrote about this in some earlier entry last year haha.

Kinda unrelated to the point of this whole entry, but since I’m bitching a bit, I’ll just continue a bit more –

I feel that my division is really pretentious. There are the occasional birthday/lunch farewell gatherings and stuff that everyone is invited, so it is as though we are a tight-knit division. But it is really all for show. Everyone still stays and talks to people in their own clique. It’s not as though these occasions are an opportunity to bond with others in the div they have never talked to before. Erm, they don’t even bother to include everyone. Every clique just engages in their own convo. Lolz ok. Then what is the point of such div gatherings right???

And just recently, while being involved in some retreat planning, I found out that even in carpooling, people in my div are picky about who they share a carpool/cab with. LIKE WTF??! Is like so weird? Cos everyone in the div seems so friendly with each other except for some people who are excluded (i.e. myself) so I didn’t think there would be an issue if it was just a random assignment??? But xx in my div told me I should check with drivers who they would like to take in their car, and that the staff in my div have people who they like/don’t like to share car/cab with as experienced from previous div gatherings (e.g. the farewell lunches that require us to travel out of office). When I read it, I was really a bit shocked. IS EVERYONE STILL IN SECONDARY SCHOOL OR SMTH??? “I don’t like her so I don’t want to be in the same car as her” OMG SO RIDICULOUS. IT’S ONLY A CAR RIDE -.-

So after all that bitching, I guess anyone can tell that I’m really not that happy with where I am in my job now. I’m still undecided about whether I like my work though (i.e. my job scope), because it has been improving since I got a new boss and working partner…

Last year, I was really really bent on quitting. Even before the year was up, I was already sourcing for alternatives. I even went for one interview (which I rejected the job)! But with all the changes toward end 2015, I honestly don’t know if I will stay or go. I’ve been telling everyone I will quit by the end of this year. But, where do I go?

I applied for postgrad; so maybe I’ll study. But I don’t think I wanna say much about this. I don’t like making such stuff know to people because I fear the expectations and curiousity from others. I don’t want to not get in and disappoint everyone. I don’t want to not get it and still answer people who ask if I got in with a smile, though I really am disappointed inside. I don’t want to make things awkward for people who ask if I said no and showed my disappointment. I mean what can the person do if it really is just a casual question? Probably something like “oh, nvm, can try again”. IT’S SO FAKE. All these “scripted” answers. (I think that’s why I hate interacting with people. And I absolutely absolutely hate small talk).

So, if I don’t get to study, do I apply for postgrad again next year/in the months to come? Do I apply for the same/similar course or something new? Should I wait till I figure out what I want (but who knows when this will be)?

In the meantime, I would take up another job. But what? Should I know what I want before I take up a new job; so that if I applied for postgrad again, the job exp would be somewhat beneficial? Or do I take a job that will buy me time to figure out my life?

Uncertainties, uncertainties. All these to settle in the year ahead :(

I do know what the problem is, and I really am trying to solve it. But it’s been quite hopeless – I’m just someone who has no concrete idea of what I want. There is nothing I’m super passionate about; nothing I really really really want.

And, I just want to please people around me I think.

For example, I don’t think I even really wanna further my studies; maybe not as this point cos I really don’t know what I want. I think eventually I do. It’s cos my parents suggested it last time and they are all for the idea. To them, “just study anything you can; it’s good to get better qualifications and also can delay working”. So I just apply for whatever I can to show that I’m doing something about furthering my studies. Well, parents is partly the reason, but another one is that (to me) I’m a useless person who can’t do anything in life except study so I willingly just listen and apply -.- I don’t know how to be an adult. I hate being an adult.

Another case in point is why do I work? Yes, because of $$$$$ – I can be financially independent. But really it’s also cos of the expectations of society and people around me – friends and relatives. My parents were really quite ok with me not working after I grad and continuing to give me a monthly allowance (but ofc in exchange they expect me to do the grad sch shit). But to society it’s just “wrong” not to have a job after you grad. Honestly, I took a job cos I didn’t know what to do about grad school. My job was an excuse that I was doing something with my life so people would get off my back about what I’m doing after graduation.

So… after all that’s been said, definitely nothing to look forward to in 2016.

All I can do now is pray hard that 2016 will be the year I get my shit together cos life in 2015 felt like a waste for the most part. I was just going through the motion of life.

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