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Hello October. A little late though.

To be honest, life has not been very good. I thought this was what I wanted, but it doesn’t seem to be that way. Well, the problem is what do I even want? I am such an aimless, clueless soul :( And nobody likes people like that. Even I don’t.

I’ve felt quite unlike my usual self since everything started mid-August, especially in the first week. That week, I really felt like I was close to a mental breakdown or sinking into depression. It’s really not an exaggeration when I say I didn’t feel like eating, I didn’t feel like meeting or talking to anyone, I didn’t want to crossfit, I just wanted to lay in bed and sleep all day. Jokes that were funny to me were not funny anymore. It was so hard to even fake a smile but I tried anyway. Every little thing made me cry. I cried every day. I just felt like disappearing.

Well, things are slightly better now. I still feel like crying occasionally. It’s still stressful as hell, but I’ve learnt to take things easier. I’ve learnt to “heck care” whatever I can. But as I tell anyone who asks me to take a chill pill, it’s not that easy. Believe me I am trying, but even doing the bare minimum requires a hell lot of effort (that feels beyond me at times).

Everyone around me seems to be coping well in classes. But perhaps they are struggling too I don’t know. Even so, at least they are able to show their competency in class, in front of the profs. But not me :( I try sometimes but it’s hard. For some courses, I don’t even understand the material… I don’t know how people get it.

This is very very very different from the school and work life that I’ve known. I am really being pushed to my limits, and beyond. They say life begins at the end of your comfort zone, but I’m not sure if that’s my case now. I don’t exactly have a life.

Many questions swim around in my head every day – why I took this up, whether I’ll stay, whether it’s worth it, whether it’s right for me, whether I really want it and why, what do I want in life. These are actually – believe it or not – hard questions for me. I struggle to find answers. Yet they are really important; how I answer these questions will lead me to a decision, and some consequences attached to it. But either way, I’m not sure I can handle the consequences. It’s like a war in my head every day :(

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