CF log 04/08/17 (Fri) + happy friday!

Strength/skill

5 x 5 front squats [55.8kg, 60.8kg, 3x 64.9kg]

Power snatch –
3 x 2 [37.7kg, 42.7kg, 46.8kg]
3 x 1 [51.8kg]

4 x 3 snatch high pull from ground [3x 55.8kg, 60.8kg]

WOD

3 rounds –
10 front squats (clean from ground) [(135#)]
20 C2B
50 DUs

The front squats were DAMN BAD. First round was manageable… struggling a bit already. Second round was really a push and I totally felt like I was pushing myself damn hard to complete 10 reps at a go. And the 3rd round I just gave up and did 5-5 hahaha. Front squats killed me T_T If not I’d think the rest is quite manageable…? Thankfully only 3 rounds.


Anyway, feeling very happy this Friday haha! Cos I’ve completed the minutes for my weekly big meeting yesterday, hence freeing up my Friday :D The meeting’s usually on Fridays and it’ll be a mad rush to get the minutes out on the day itself.

Plus!!! Finally had the one to one session with my boss to talk about my current work. I’m quite happy that I managed to air all my grievances LOL. The whole “feedback” session was really just me complaining in a nicer manner :P He sorta explained why some things are the way they are too… but I just took them all with a pinch of salt cos I still feel like he’s not 100% trustworthy lol.

 

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7 months on the job

I don’t know what’s wrong with me that I always end up in the wrong place in life. Once again I feel like my job’s not suited for me. Since grad, I’ve just not felt like I fit anywhere :( Perhaps I’m too idealistic, or too picky, or simply just not trying hard enough.

1.5 years in my first job, 6 months (or slightly less) in a PhD course before dropping out, and now 7 months into my ‘new’ job… I already feel like giving up.

At 26, I have not figured out my path in life; or found my place in this world. It seems like everyone can well survive without me.

In my current job, I was told that I’d be working with data. Even if not quantitative, qualitative. I had no experience in the latter (still don’t), but I said I’d try. I thought I’d have a role similar to my first job, but just more qualitative in nature; still dealing with large amounts of data, cleaning data, analysing data. Plus, my job title had the words “Analytics” and “Programming” in it. Sounds so”data-ish” right?!

But how wrong I was.

I ended up in a communications department. Due to historical reasons, the (newly formed) team I’m currently in was placed under this dept. Which is really quite ridiculous considering that we are supposedly doing behavioural insights (BI) work – something I learnt only after I landed the job. Somehow this point wasn’t brought up in the interview.

I was fine for say, the first 3 months? Because everything felt quite similar to schooling days in terms of the lit review we had to do to gather BI to help improve programming (yes, I finally got what the ‘programming’ referred to; nothing about IT). So I was like “oh cool, it’s diff from what I expected, but at least I get to use my school knowledge and skills more!”; since BI also has some elements of psychology (e.g. understanding people’s behaviour to nudge them toward certain actions).

But soon enough things started to get fluffy. Research was not as controlled as in the school environment. There was no library so the only articles we had access to were the free ones on google scholar. Many of our recommendations to improve programs were based off our own experiences/ from the top of our minds with tenuous links to literature; even though my direct supervisor emphasizes the need for our ideas to be “evidence-based”. So I’m not actually comfortable with the amount of fluff our work entails -.-

Recently, I feel that my supervisor is biased against me too haha. Like many new projects are being passed on to my colleague instead of me (some of which I feel that I can do it, and I’m a more suited candidate given my background?!). I understand that my colleague is generally a well-liked person, but still, as a supervisor can’t you put in some effort to show impartiality? Cos the biased treatment is really getting quite obvious. But I guess he is human after all.

I could rant so much, but given this public platform it might not be safe to say more :P

Anyway I’m finally meeting my supervisor one-on-one this week. He actually requested this to the whole team; that we take turns to meet him. Because appraisal’s coming up so he wanted to check in on our work/progress etc. Just as well, I could use this to clarify some stuff and voice my thoughts haha. Especially more now because there’s prolly gonna be a slight change in direction for our team and after he spoke to us about it, I don’t see where I can contribute; and even if I do, it will not be what I set out to do in this job, which was data work. So… we’ll see how it goes.

Otto Ristorante (boss’ treat!)

My boss brought me to Otto Ristorante for my lunch treat (cos of some good work done) :O I think it is pretty atas ^^”

There was a set lunch at $38++ which both of us got. It had appetizer, main & dessert + coffee/tea. He said I could choose an a la carte dish if i wanted; don’t have to get the set. But I think the set lunch is more worth it! I know it’s a treat, but still cannot be too much right…

On top of our set lunches, he wanted to order another appetizer to share. He asked the waitress to recommend and she said burrata cheese with parma ham; which I didn’t want cos it has ham! Cannot ruin my lent diet (pescatarian!) hehe.

I think my boss was a bit surprised I didn’t want it haha. I think he might have wanted to try that… oops ^^” And after that I thought it would mean no appetizer alr. But the waitress went on to recommend and eventually she mentioned a light appetizer with fish that thankfully was agreed on hahaha. Actually I really didn’t need another appetizer to share + didn’t want him to spend so much.. partly why I said no at first too. But since he wanted… ok then. I think the extra dish is at least $20+/30 man ><

(Pic from google)

This was the extra appetizer that we ordered! It doesn’t look exactly like the pic. But smth like that. Thinly sliced swordfish with some “sauce”. (don’t even know if the pic is swordfish heh)

The garnishes on ours were diff. Ours had strips of green and red (peppers & tomato??) haha. I honestly dno what it was garnished with. But some sort of veg I’m guessing!

It was really quite good tho I thought it was very salty when I first bit into it. I think it would have gone really well with the bread (below) tho! :D


(Pic from google)

This was the selection of (free) bread before any of the dishes were served. Reminded me of dining at Cut by Wolfgang Puck where a variety of bread was also presented to us to choose. Here, there was tomato, raisin, olive, foccacia and another type. I just took the olive one cos tbh couldn’t really decide haha.

Then our set lunch dishes arrived!

For appetizer, I had this ricotta cheese rolled up crepe thing filled with mushrooms; while my boss had a soup. My crepe was so rich and yummy?! So cheesey and the crepe was the kind that’s slightly crisp :D

Then for mains, boss got the pasta with arrabiata sauce while I got seared ling fish with green pea mash :) Fish was rly good!! A bit crisp outer layer but nice and soft inside ^^ And I think it is my first time trying green pea mash.. It was really creamy and smooth with quite strong pea taste (duh right haha)!! Not bad :) Nice dish overall!

And lastly, my atas looking dessert! So beautifully plated <3 they called it a vanilla parfait with etc etc (i forgot). All their dishes have such long names… either that or it’s in Italian haha.

But anyway, i figured that it’s a panna cotta. So milky and smooth! Actually the centre was a bit harder like ice-cream; but with the flavour, all’s good!

That pretty thing stuck on top of the panna cotta is a sugar structure. I tried to break it and some tiny bits flew off the plate O.O One bit even stuck to my hair… oops quite unglam. I think my boss laughed at me >< haha.

Anyway I only took a pic of the dessert cos a bit paiseh to take food pics like i usually do.. Everything also take heh :P Tbh my boss and I are really not that close at all! So I was actually feeling a bit awkward about having to go for this lunch treat. (He talked about it since last week. Then he asked me on Monday again but I had my own lunch; so he decided today.)

But I mustered up the courage (it’s really mustering up courage ok. Cos pple who take pics of food may be judged HAHA) to say i wanna take pic for dessert. Cos i guess it was pretty enough so it’s more justifiable haha. Then he also pushed his dessert (icecream) to me so i could take hahaha. I didn’t need to take his la. He could eat first. But since he pushed it away for me to take, why not hehe :X He still asked me if I was taking it together or individually. Then still asked if he needed to move some stuff away HAHA.

Then as we ate we talked. Mostly abt food; the kinds of food we liked etc. Then somewhere in the convo, boss said prolly won’t bring my other colleague (in the same team as us) to a place like this. Cos he prolly won’t appreciate the food as much hahahaha.

I mean this is not in a bad way la. Yknow how some pple are just not that particular about food such that food is just food, with some better than others that’s all.

I actually do agree w my boss; I think my colleague’s that kinda person :P But really, it’s not a good or bad thing. Some people just don’t take as much interest in food?

Then i thought: oops. Does that mean I give out quite atas vibes… or maybe I just come across as someone who appreciates good food la right heh :P

Was telling R about this atas vibes thing. And I said my mum ever told me I had some rich girl vibes. Then R said can understand why O.O OKAAYY haha. I was like then why no rich guys like me?! HAHAHA. He said cos my dressing cmi LOL. Which I don’t disagree cos I am really very lazy to dress up ^^” Eh I don’t even really like shopping for clothes! :P

11 more months in 2016

It’s the end of Jan. Time flies; felt like just not too long ago we were all happy new year, looking back on 2015, and setting new year resolutions.

I have shared with one or two people, right from the beginning of this year (i.e. 1 Jan), that I was not looking forward to this new year at all. I think it’s safe to say that it is the first time in my life that I did not look forward to a new year :(

New years have always been exciting for me. I love the idea of new beginnings and starting over. I love the idea of having new opportunities and chances to change or do something new. Every new year just felt so… refreshing.

But this year, I really did not want 2016 to arrive. I foresee it to be a year of uncertainties; and I hate uncertainties. I thought it won’t be a good year at all, and how my Jan went has supported that statement – Jan has not been really great at all for me.

So much has happened in this first month. There have been family/relationship drama towards the end of Jan. And before that, my best workout partner left for France in the beginning of the month, so one less friend to hang out with for half of 2016 :( Work’s been busy, and I was stressing out over postgrad app.

Why I feel like the rest of 2016 will not be great at all

(WARNING: long, rambly, and incoherent post ahead)

(more…)

Happy long-winded post

I thought that I should perhaps start writing about the happier things that are happening in my life rather than just filling this space with angsty/emo/sad posts under my “Life” section haha.

Let’s start with today.

It started out not very great. I know it was a Friday and all, but it just didn’t feel very TGIF this time. The worst part was probably the fact that I had to attend an external talk with my boss during lunch. And the thing about attending talks with her is that she tends to talk to me during the talks… about the talks. So she would sometimes explain the content of the talk as though I didn’t understand, or she would tell me to remember certain points for a debrief session later (which quite often never happens…. lol). Thing is, I hate people interrupting me during talks; or any related event that requires me to actually pay attention. Even in movies, I actually dislike it when people start questioning me about the characters or the plot while I’m kind of immersed in the show, or trying to figure things out myself :/

I digress.

So anyway, because of the lunch talk, she told me yesterday that we probably would leave the office around 10+am so we could grab a quick lunch before going for the talk. This meant that I had to rush out my work before that because she told me it was urgent and had to be done by today. I couldn’t do it after the talk when I got back to office (which would prolly be about 2+pm) because I was afraid it would take up too much time and if I send it too late she would not be able to look through it and subsequently send it up to my director.

Besides this urgent work, I also had to do some checking and tallying of documents which I have not done before. It was previously done by my colleague who just got transferred to another division. So it’s all me now. I wasn’t taught how to do it so not sure how long it would take. So, had to worry about that too :/

Because of all these, I thought I would be having quite a busy Friday :( I walked faster to get to my work desk earlier this morning. I prolly reached around 7:50am (when I would usually stroll and get breakfast and reach around 8am). And I started work immediately (when I would usually rest a little and eat my breakfast, prep myself for the day ahead). Finished my urgent work before boss came in. YAY. And even completed my checking and tallying task!

Then the boss told me actually maybe we could have lunch before we left around 11+am.

I was suddenly quite free -.-

So I did some extra work that could have been left to Monday. (I spread out my work so I look busy all the time :X)

Still found myself with time to spare because my boss has a pretty bad sense of time. When she says 5 minutes, it prolly means 15. When she says meet at 10am, she prolly means 11am -.- it really sucks cos it makes planning things to do kinda hard sometimes.

Fast forward to the talk.

AMAZINGLY she didn’t do her usual talk to me during the talk itself. WHAT A GREAT DAY :D hahahah. Then after the talk, IT RAINED. So she said to wait for the rain to stop while she debriefed me about the talk at the cafeteria nearby (the talk was in NUS bukit timah campus btw). She ate while talking to me, and by the time we were done, it was past 2pm! Reached back to the office around 3:15pm. YAY SO MUCH OF THE DAY GONE ^^

Oh, we had a pretty interesting cab ride back to the office too! The cabby was telling us all about the passengers he meets. Some of them include: 1) passengers who take his cab and upon reaching the destination tell him they have no money, 2) airport passengers who just push the trolley of luggages to him while they get into the taxi and close the door (so expect the taxi driver to load the luggages for them), 3) those who call cabs but are not there when cab arrives. then when the cabby calls, they don’t pick up. cabby leaves, passenger calls back and asks why cabby left and wanna complain -.- (this was a passenger our cabby just faced before coming to pick us haha, and he was so unhappy about it). But even when he faces shit, he was saying that he just accepts them. No point arguing and wasting time; even with the airport incident – he just helped with the heavy luggages. I thought that was really nice. Our cabby was a nice guy haha. I mean he gets upset and everything, but he doesn’t show it to his passengers; instead he still provides his services to them. You can’t really say it’s for the money too. Because sometimes when passengers flag his cab down and tell him they have no money to pay him then ask if he would still take them, he still says ok. Well, he talked of good passengers too. Like some who would tell him to start his meter even though the journey has not started because they still need a little more time to get ready (e.g., waiting for a friend, last minute toilet visit etc. basically not the cabby’s fault stuff, but somehow the passenger’s fault that the cabby has to wait. So these passengers know it’s “their fault” and take the initiative to ask the cabbys to just start their meter first, rather than just letting the cabby waste precious minutes of their time).

Digressed again. But the cab ride was really entertaining!

So yeah, what started out as quite a sad Friday was becoming so awesome!!!

Then she told me that she wanted me meet me to teach me about some policy evaluation model at 4:30pm. I’m like DANG, that means I won’t be able to leave at 5pm (official knock-off on Fridays for me). Remember when I said her sense of timing was bad? 4:30pm prolly meant like 5pm. And she is pretty long-winded (oops, rather like this post or worse)…. so she can take forever to get a point across.

BUT GREAT TURN OF EVENTS! She told me, actually she had to leave at 5pm so leave the “teaching” to next week. YAYYEEE. I get to knock off at 5pm too! Oh btw, usually when she says she has to leave by a certain time, she means it because her husband comes to pick her up and it’s not nice to keep people waiting haha.

Knocking off at 5pm meant that I could travel home first before meeting besties at Vivo at 6:45pm. Yeah I know I work at Outram and it doesn’t make sense for me to travel all the way home before going back to Vivo when Outram is just one stop away. But I really didn’t wanna go walk around Vivo on my own and do nothing for more than an hour. I’m usually not the shopper kind, and I don’t like shopping in Singapore. Most of the time, I am in no mood to shop. When I walk around on my own, it’s to look at food HAHA. But I didn’t wanna get tempted by all the food while walking too; since I was gonna have a nice TCC dinner cos of their 2-for-1 promo now – just nice for the 3 of us (that’s why we were meeting up and eating there hahahah).

Beyond this point is nothing very interesting anymore. I just had a great dinner and catch-up with my friends of many many years over TCC dinner, where I had yummy salmon with super crisp skin :) And I had good dessert from Max Brenner – scone with ice-cream, and a PB cookie shared among the 3 of us. I actually still felt like eating after that. So when we went to walk around in Giant supermarket for fun, I got a bar of dark chocolate hahaha. Yumyum dinner + sweets to end my Friday! :D

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Work rants + CF log 15/04/15 (Wed)

1. WORK RANTS

So glad that it’s finally midweek. And Thursday tomorrow, and then a half day at work on Friday.

Work was the usual, until it suddenly turned quite terrible towards the end when my boss was telling me what I have to do. I realised that my job is only 20% research work. Research work as in the kind of research I am used to – research proposals, coming up with methodology, recruiting participants, data analysis etc. The other 80% is this thing called data standards. When I first joined, my boss was telling me how my portfolio would be slightly different from the previous person in my position who was doing mainly data standards. She told me I would prolly do more research because I indicated that I liked it during the interview and I’ve got a decent research background. But now, she tells me data standards is put into our group’s portfolio so I’ll have to do it. Great. I DID NOT SIGN UP FOR THIS.

So now, I gotta do some presentation to senior management in May, on data standards. I’m supposed to tell them that data standards exist and when they collect data, they should use these standards. Gosh it sounds so lame. What a boring ass topic seriously. Data standards. And it f-ing takes up 80% of my job scope when I wanted to do research work.

There’s so much IT involved in my work too. I’m supposed to be involved in building up an IT portal/system for data to be keyed in and extracted. For data and tables to be easily generated. So I need to know IT lingo. Ok, this I already sort of knew from Day 1 because during the interviews, I was told that I have to interact with IT people and know some IT stuff. But guess what, this system building is one of my main scopes too. I’m doing everything but research. I’m not helping the research part at all currently because the researcher in my division is very well-qualified and experienced, he can do like 99% of the research projects on his own, and all the liasing etc. Pertaining to research, the researcher would only engage my help “when necessary”, and recently he told me he would need my help later to check the accuracy of some data input/information keyed. Of course I said ok. But really, HOW RESEARCH IS THAT? It’s like sai gang; you don’t need a degree holder to do that. SIGH PIE WTF IS THIS JOB. Hate it to the max.


2. CROSSFIT

So with a heavy heart and feeling so depressed and upset about everything, I went for cf, even though my knees are somewhat injured. Cos it was all power oly lifts and very little knee work except for the front squats. Told myself that I can just chiong at cf today. But I feel like I didn’t try hard enough. Recently, I keep getting the feeling that I’m not trying hard enough for cf :( Everyone’s getting stronger, and I feel stagnant. After each workout, I keep wondering if I really gave my best. But during the workout, I really feel like dying; but I think ‘is it just all mental’?

I’m scared that the one thing I’m happy about will not make me happy anymore. I’m afraid that the one thing I think I’m decently good at, I will one day think I’m actually quite a loser at it. Then it’ll be back to square one where I feel that I’m just not good at anything in life :(

So anyway, when I went for cf, I found it hard to smile/be happy. It’s not that cf doesn’t make me happy; it still does. But all that negativity in me was just making positivity so hard. I tried to be normal anyway haha. But today I felt like Coach was quite dao to me, which dampened my mood a little more. Yeah I’m taking it personally heh. I’m sensitive, and even more so on a day like today. Plus I have my own opinions and suspicions about things and people sometimes…

But I came to workout. So fck everything and everyone. (Don’t get me wrong though. Still very thankful and happy for the people I could talked to/talked to me today – Jingwei, Leslie, Yzanne)

Strength/skill

10-min EMOM 3 power snatch [worked up to last 2 sets 37.7kg]
10-min EMOM 2 power clean & push jerk [worked up to last ? sets at 45.2kg]

4 x 10 front squats [28.6kg]

Went super light for the front squats cos of my knees; even at that weight, could already feel the strain if I went thighs below parallel. (Decided to do the squats in the end cos they were done after the WOD when no one was really watching.. so I could go lighter and afford to be a little slower as long as I didn’t affect the next class – which I didn’t. No one knew about my knee except Jingwei cos she came to share the bar with me haha)

WOD

3 rounds –
1:00 HSPUs / HS hold
4:00 AMRAP 7 C&Js [40.2kg] and 14 bar-over burpees
1:00 Rest

Super shag. The C&Js were supposed to be 70% of the EMOM weight based on outlaw site. But Coach made us do it at the same weight. I dropped weight before she told us to stay… so I just used my lighter weight of 40kg >< I still felt like dying doing the workout. I was doing strict HSPUs. But I think prolly only 5 per round on average, then I just held the handstand position. For the AMRAP, I did 1 round of the C&Js and burpees plus 4, 3, 2 C&Js for the 3 rounds respectively.

Same old rantings (work/life)

I used to care whether I would be able to keep my job after the first year contract/probation. But not anymore haha. Now, I just can’t wait to leave my job; I wish the one year would be up soon. If I could have my way, I’d be quitting now. But I’m too conscious of what others would think and I do still want to money… So now, because I’m not as concerned about keeping my job anymore, I’ll just surf the internet as I feel like, and visit whatever sites I want to when I have no urgent work to be done (or just work at all) . I don’t really care if I’m being tracked anymore :P Well, I still try to avoid social media sites that seem to be more for fun and entertainment… Instead, I am on the search for further studies programs and other jobs in the market haha.

Currently thinking of doing something biz-related. I’m probably not gonna continue in psych because I really don’t see myself going anywhere. For psych, it’s either going into academics/research or clinical. I know I’m not cut out for clinical anymore… and the research side, well, I don’t think it’s something I would really wanna do for the rest of my life :/ Psych in SG is not very big to begin with, and you can’t make much. Sorry, but I’m quite mercenary. It’s really not something to feel ashamed of cos let’s all just be frank ok, money makes the world go round and it is important. Though money can’t buy everything (like happiness, as commonly said), it can buy MOST things; and that’s probably good enough for me.

I’ll be honest. I regret following my interest and majoring in Psychology. I really should have taken something more useful in the Singapore setting. What I regret even more, is giving up my second major. I actually started out in uni double major-ing in psych and biz management (main major still psych), but I gave up the biz major. I was too fixated on the extra time I had to spend in uni and not being able to graduate with my friends. I was too fixated on just doing psych, and thinking how biz actually doesn’t have much relation to psych and I could just take it at the postgrad level. But now SIGH, I really should have stuck to that second major.. and I’ll probably still be studying now, doing my final sem. Perhaps I would have got a better job?

But anyway it’s time to move on. No point whining about past regrets. Time to make changes, though I find it pretty scary; because I’ve made choices before that I’m regretting now (case in point above). Who’s to say that I wouldn’t make the same mistakes again? I think I do too many things quite impulsively :(

I don’t like to tell my parents about my plans because they have opinions and ideas of their own. And I always feel that they are psycho-ing me to do things their way, even though it may not be the case, or they are unintentionally doing it. You know the feeling you get when someone suggests something to you, then they say it’s ultimately your choice; but you know they would really prefer you to do things their way? Yep, that’s how I feel all the time. And my parents like to take my ideas/plans very seriously, especially when it’s in line with what they think. Every now and then, they would come back and say things like ‘one of my friends did that before and…’, or ‘xx daughter/son said…’, or ‘i went online and saw…’, followed by ‘people said…’, ‘you can try…’. And I find it so overwhelming. Others may think I’m so lucky to have people doing the ‘research’ for me. But it’s really quite stressful to me, because they talk as though I am really going to do it. But in fact it’s really just an idea in very very early stages and not something I would definitely wanna do yet. I just thought of it. I would prefer if I did my own research first :/

Sometimes I ask myself why am I struggling so much in life finding out what I want to do that would make me happy; because really, I just want to be happy (so idealistic) haha. Actually, I know what are the things that make me happy, but I just cannot make a career out of them. I can’t make money out of them. They’re not gonna help me survive in this world. And that’s why I struggle. You see, ultimately it boils down to the need for money – to survive, for sustenance, for a sense of independence.

If money was not an issue, I would probably be quite happy now; and doing things I like everyday. Maybe some would think my life would be really boring, but I beg to differ. I really loved how carefree I was when I did not have to work last year (since May). I loved and enjoyed the luxury of time I had. I would be lying if I said that there was no time that I thought I was wasting my life away. But those times are really outweighed by all the other times I felt happy. And who says that I don’t feel myself wasting my life away as I’m working? In fact, I probably feel that more often now, especially when I have no work to do and I’m acting busy; or if I’m intentionally OT-ing a little instead of leaving work on the dot. Those are definitely more valid examples of wasting my life away, when I could be doing other things I enjoy, like baking. If I had no work (but had money), life for me would probably be more meaningful and feel less wasted in my books; I would be doing yoga classes, improving my photog skills, improving baking skills, getting myself to learn cooking, picking up/improving on foreign langauges, travelling, going for crossfit… But UGH, with work, most of these are really not possible to do concurrently. Maybe one at a time, but well, some things are better to do at a younger age; such as picking up new skills – you’ll learn better. But… oh well.

Social exclusion

Two months since I started work and I still feel like a newbie haha. Don’t really feel like I fit into the work culture here actually. Maybe because I’m the youngest in the division and there really isn’t anyone about my age. The closest one would be 26 years old, and she only joined 1-2 months before me. Theoretically, I should be able to talk to her, but I think we’re pretty different although she’s quiet too. And though she joined earlier, it still feels as though she’s pretty new because she doesn’t really talk much with other colleagues too. Also when I get the opportunity to talk to her, I prolly talk and initiate more than she does :/ It’s like she’s already comfortable with how things are now and doesn’t really need friends at work… or a social life (far-fetched but yeah)??

Lunch times at work are still slightly “stress”-inducing to me. Stress in inverted commas because it’s not really the typical kind of stress/anxious thing.. more of like an unknown; not knowing what lunch time is gonna be like. I have not managed to establish a “lunch routine” with my colleagues. Don’t have a fixed group for lunch per se; so I’ll just get lunch with whoever calls me out (note: we usually takeaway lunch and bring it back to eat together around a table in the office).If no one calls me to get lunch with them, then it’s just no lunch for me. Hahaha. Ok, not exactly no lunch.. I’ll just go get my own alone later on when I have already realised that they have gotten their lunch and are preparing to eat -.- Then I would eat on my own at my desk. In such cases, I don’t buy proper lunch meals. Just a sandwich/bread/mr bean pancakes hahaha. Small snack-ish stuff. I don’t join because I feel like if you don’t even wanna call me out to get lunch with you, then it’s like sending a subtle message that I’m not invited; so why should I be so thick-skinned and self-invite to the table?

Every time I’m faced with such scenarios where I feel excluded, I would tell myself that it’s ok. Alone is good because I can eat whatever I want without being judged. I mean, if I decide to just eat a mr bean pancake for lunch that day, everyone else would be saying why I’m eating so little, am I on diet etc. The typical remarks anyone gets when they eat “snacks” for meals. It’s seriously pretty lame -.- And I hate that. So without other people around, I can be happy eating my “snacks”.

Then sometimes I wonder if I psycho-ed myself too much that I don’t know if I really do enjoy being alone, or am I just used to it? If I enjoy it, it’s fine. But I think the latter is probably true :( In all new social situations, if I say I enjoy being alone, it’s probably not true. I mean, who doesn’t wanna make new friends? And even more so when you are stuck in that same “social situation” almost every single day (i.e., work)?

I don’t know if the problem lies with me or others. Honestly, I think both parties are at fault. But is it more “me” or more “them”? When I’m socially excluded, I would start to think of reasons why I am socially excluded.Then I just start thinking negative thoughts about myself. It can get pretty bad on a bad day (probably during PMS-y periods when mood swings are terrible), then I wallow in self-pity and just hate everyone and everything around me haha.

I do have pretty low self-esteem. It’s hard to change. And I’m someone who’s in constant need of approval from others. Even this “approval” is not just any kind from anyone; I have to “approve” of the approval/praise (e.g., has to be from the “right” person, has to be about something/some event I care about). I don’t know why I’m making life so hard myself too. Sometimes I feel like I’m living my life for others and it’s really really hard to break out of it when I don’t even have faith and confidence in myself; and I’m relying on external reinforcements to build them up.

So back to the issue of me being socially excluded – When that happens, I would also often try to put myself in the other people’s shoes. Then I think, actually if I were them, I wouldn’t interact with a newbie like that. I mean, if I’m the experienced one who is part of the “in-group”, I would definitely try to include him/her in things that my group and I was doing, and talk to him/her occasionally (or perhaps a little too much; maybe I’d seem weird). But for sure, I would not ignore and treat a newbie like how I’m being treated now. It’s pretty frustrating and sad at the same time :/

But through it all, I find it amazing how I can still find it in me to actually say that majority of the people I’m working with are nice, even though I don’t find them all that nice to me. Probably cos I think the problem lies more with me.

Ok, on the bright side, I do have some social life outside of work haha :) But if the work situation continues, I really don’t know how long I can last psycho-ing myself to be happy/feel ok every single day. (Oh and everyday I hear the name of the person in my position before me – who left at least 6 months ago; and inevitably I feel like I’m being compared, with me being the lousier one. great.)

Work sucks as of now. And currently the only incentive is the $$ and sense of independence I feel. It also provides a convenient answer/excuse for people who ask my about furthering my studies and what I’ve been doing/planning to do after graduating.